Army

“Walking like a one man army/Fighting with the shadows in your head/Living out the same old moment/Knowing you’d be better off instead, If you could only . . .” “Say” – John Mayer

With a touch, the glass doors slid open and we walked inside. Despite the fact we were entering a facility that helps breathe new life into young and old alike, my throat clenched and there was no air. Had I not had someone at my side, I would have turned and run. I had not slept the night before in anticipation of this day and exhaustion mixed with fear, creating an invisible concrete that captured and labored my footsteps.

The elevator carried us upstairs and we sat down on a plush leather loveseat. It was a wide hallway, well-lit and quiet. Nausea swept over me and I ran to the nearby bathroom. Only anxious thoughts gushed from my head to the point of not being able to stand. As I grasped the edges of the sink, I did not want to look into the mirror. What would I see?

“I can’t do this. I can’t go in there.” The mantra began playing and my breathing got heavier. “Who am I? What have I become? I can’t do this alone.” And then it came.

“You have to do this. You are not doing this alone. I am with you and will not leave you.” His voice echoed in my head and became the revised mantra. I looked into the mirror, took a breath and opened the door.

To be continued…

The determination of need

“What you don’t have, you don’t need it now…” U2, “A Beautiful Day”

What drives your relationships? Do you find you relate better to people who are just like you? People tend to be drawn to others whose emotional needs are similar. That makes sense from a comfort perspective. Relatability is high, misery loves, company, et al. That can work for friendships. It can work on a temporary basis for coping, but through experience, I have learned that it does not work for a marriage.

No woman likes to imagine herself as an emotional whore. The feeling of being needy and co-dependent…no one wants to identify herself as such. Every day you put on the makeup, slip into the tight jeans and march confidently through. Maybe you see the deficit in your countenance, maybe you just slap on higher heels and go.

So here is where I have changed.  I have been needy and co-dependent. At one point in my life, I would have taken my favorite 3-inch heel and smacked someone with it for telling me that. (I have changed in that area, too.)

I have changed because there was a time two years ago that I was only getting out of bed for the sake of my children. At that time, I vowed I would eventually get up for me. The fake smile, the covering up, the hiding in the bathroom or going home for lunch just to release the long-held tears…I was an emotional whore at that time, too, but the help that I needed did not come in the form of a male/female relationship. It came in crying out to God and doing counseling to put myself back together. Through His grace I was willing to admit that most of what I knew about a marital relationship was not life-giving. Until I knew what it was, or at least was able to start finding out, I was not going to “need” to be in that arena again.

So I fell back on some of my life-long loves. Reading. Research. Prayer. Time.

Fast-forward almost two years since I took back my maiden name. I am still not sure what drove my neediness. I have some ideas…enough to not repeat those mistakes. I continue to learn and am making conscious decisions to choose to act and not react to situations. To evaluate but not to jump to comparisons of the past.

Do I need to be in love? I do, but not in the way that I did before. I can survive on my own, I can support my children with the help of my parents and friends. I am in love and choose to be because I want to experience all of the joy and giving over that a real relationship brings. The unselfishness, the devotion, the covenant that I have longed for in my woman’s heart. A level miles above survival, a level that is closer to God and all of the beauty that He desires for us.

My heart is open and more vulnerable than ever. That is for my future husband.

My smile and renewed ability to laugh? Those are for my children.

The new 5-inch heels? Those are for me.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not/ Love Me, Pick Me, Choose Me

I wrote this “homily” on December 17, 2010…

 

When you were a kid, did you ever play “He loves me, he loves me not?” It might have been on a warm spring day that you chose a white daisy and strategically plucked its petals. Even then you knew that to be picked, to be chosen, was special. So special in fact, that maybe you rigged the results by pulling multiple petals at a time?

We all have that need, that desire, to be loved, to be picked, to be chosen. Spiritual writer Henri J.M. Nouwen says that the beauty of being chosen is that “Someone has noticed me in my uniqueness and has expressed a desire to know me, to come closer to me, to love me.” A catchphrase from a television show a few years ago said: Love me, pick me, choose me.

We look for this love in a lot of places…family, spouses, children, friends…and in these places, we often feel chosen, loved and accepted. These feelings remind us that God loves us and wants us to be happy. But maybe you are at a point where you wish you were completely loved or completely accepted? Or maybe you feel like you used to be completely loved or exclusively chosen?

There is a source for complete love and acceptance. I know you believe this, because you are here today. Of all of the places to look for love, you have chosen God’s house. We come to God: broken, disheartened and afraid. We come with a need to feel His presence and a fervent wish to be renewed.

There is an excerpt from Henri Nouwen’s book, “Life of the Beloved” that is a reminder of God’s promise. Nouwen writes that he reminds himself of this promise and has made it part of his own inner voice; a personal mantra, if you will. It goes like this:

I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother’s womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. You belong to me. Nothing will ever separate us. We are one.”

He goes on to say, “We are God’s chosen ones, even when our world does not choose us.”

God chooses us as we are. There is no exclusivity or strategic choosing…he accepts and loves everyone in a way that is as simple as that beautiful spring daisy…but in a way that is more all-encompassing than just being chosen or rejected.

There is no “He loves me, he loves me not.” To God, we say, “Love me, pick me, choose me” and He says, “I already have.”

Power perfected in weakness

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”   2 Corinthians 12:9

I will remember one certain day probably for the rest of my life. Part of me wishes I wouldn’t, but I have used it to see how far I have come. 

“I don’t know if I love you anymore. I don’t know if I can be part of this family.”  The words spilled from his mouth like a confession. They cut into me, these venomous admissions that left me feeling bloodless. As I began my pleas for his reconsideration, I remember even then that I didn’t really know what I was asking for. Married for so long, and it’s come to this? Where did this come from? And who are you?

My feelings of weakness, anxiety and insecurity were never higher than during that point in my life, beginning with that day. Memories of most of the subsequent events now lie only in my journal, which has been my editorial confessional and refuge. This month marks one and a half years since the ink dried on my divorce papers and I can say that the Lord’s grace is more than sufficient to help survive a tragedy. Anxiety and insecurity have been replaced, through that grace, with confidence and love.

So what about weakness? I find weakness fascinating from a Biblical perspective. Secular society tells you that being strong is the only option. Actually, secular society limits you in so many ways, often only promoting only one option for many things. But secular society never offers anything in reward for weakness. God is always asking us to give ourselves to Him, to give Him our weaknesses and be open to allowing Him to make us strong. He makes us strong in our weakest areas. The idea of becoming strongest in areas that were once our weakest confirms that through His grace and power we can survive and conquer anything.

I am no longer afraid of being weak. He will take that deficit and turn it into one of my greatest accomplishments. With a promise like that, who should be afraid?

To be or not to be grateful

So here I am, back at this undrawn, but still real line in the sand. The line between being grateful and ungrateful. I say this because Thanksgiving is past and we are looking ahead to the birth of our Savior. Thanksgiving is one of those amazing holidays…a time to be thankful and to be with family without the pressure and expense of the ridiculous secular idea of mass accumulation. But I’ll tell you, holidays are not for the weak. They are not for the faint of heart and they are not designed for single people. This was never more apparent to me than at my company’s holiday party.

I dreaded going to that party. I wasn’t looking forward to being one of the few single people in a room full of happy couples, all probably thinking about their Christmas plans and vacations. Truth is, I did not try to find a date. I was given the task of event photographer, so I figured that would keep me pretty occupied.

Earlier that day, we were cleaning in Lolek Theatre. Dirty work…years of dust, bugs and everything to stir up allergies. It is amazing though, that when you are cleaning for a purpose, it becomes joyful work. I had a feeling that afternoon that I would much rather continue facing more cobwebs than go to this holiday party. And I was right.

Got out of the house and discovered a ripped stocking. Okay, no big deal. Easy fix on the way. Got to the party to be greeted by someone who said the programs I had printed were not all perfect and the boss had noticed. I moved on, trying to get a handle on the poor lighting so I could take pictures. One of my friends’ husbands greeted and hugged me. He is usually a very nice man and very polite, so I figured speaking with him would be a sigh of relief. “So, couldn’t find a date to bring to the party?” he says. I stare at him. “Did he really just say that?” I thought. I smiled weakly and walked away. Found the only other single person there and sat next to her. Right before dinner, we went to the bathroom. On the way in, I tried to walk around a woman to get by, bumped into a garbage can and ripped my stocking.

I fought with the camera during the program, was reminded that only full-time employees are given gifts at the holiday party and had a weak bourbon and Coke. When the program was over, my single friend and I bolted. The idea of dancing to “Mustang Sally” at this party was more than I could take. My leg was still stinging and so was my spirit.

So back to being grateful and ungrateful. I was grateful for the food and that I could leave the party. The rest…well, I felt pretty ungrateful. I don’ t like that feeling. It smacks of immaturity and selfishness. When I got to church this morning and played that beautiful piano, I was reminded of the purpose of Advent. It is so much bigger than any small event or disappointment. We are preparing for Christ, the one who realizes we are often ungrateful, even when we are so blessed. And He loves us anyway. He even loves those who apparently cannot utilize an internal monologue before speaking.

I was also reminded that in those times when it seems the whole world is jolly and I am not, that He is with me. I’d like to think He had his hand on my shoulder and guided me away from that man and that party. That He understood why I was unhappy at that seemingly happy event. I’d like to think that He is going to guide me through Christmas, help me discover every beautiful thing about the season, and help me to be unselfish, loving and grateful.

And to keep me equipped with stockings and away from holiday parties.

You got lucky

“You got lucky the day…that I found you.” – Tom Petty

The kids like Tom Petty. They like Johnny Cash, too. Maybe it is that raw voice or the raw emotion. Maybe it is the sing-ability of their songs, where you can easily pick up melodies and understand almost every word.

A friend told me I was faith-filled. I can honestly say that I have never felt more so. Getting to this point did not happen the way I thought it would. Truth be told, my only real thoughts of ministry before were with music.  I did not think that I would feel as close to Him as I do now.  I know that my life will continue to be intertwined with God’s plan for me. I pray it will be even more along the way. Here’s why:

Once I let go of trying to control so many things, I have been blessed. Once my prominent control-freak tendencies started to subside, life started to get easier. 

Living in the moment is becoming a reality for me. Instead of continually thinking, “What’s next?” I can just be more often than I ever have.

Not worrying as much and just handing things over to God have changed my outlook. Here’s the dream that has stuck with me: I am in an open white space off in a distance. I am holding a silver platter. I know it has my problems on it, even though I see nothing on the plate (is that a metaphor for often worrying for nothing?).  I present the platter to God either by gently lifting it or thrusting it skyward in complete angst. Either way, the problems go to Him and I can see relief on my face.

Not expecting so much of others has relieved feelings of disappointment. I do not depend on others for my happiness. I have embraced the fact I have been co-dependent and somewhat needy – some of that is being female, some is developing a bad habit…whatever. I am praying to move past those negativities to truly improve my relationships with others and myself.

I’d have to amend those song lyrics – I got lucky the day I found God.

Fear

After watching one of my kids’ favorite VeggieTales movies, my daughter and I had a long talk about overcoming obstacles. The movie was about David and Goliath. David, or “Dave” as my daughter reminded me, was a pickle. Goliath was a very large pickle…very daunting both in stature and voice.

After we had established that yes, this was a true story and no, Goliath was not really a very large pickle, my daughter got to the core of her opinion. Dave, although considered small, could do really big things. Even when people told him he couldn’t. He believed in God and that God would give him the strength to do what he needed to do. When you have faith, you will accomplish what God wants you to do.

So if a four-year-old girl can get that, why can’t I? It sounds easy, right? Believe and it will happen. Have faith and it will all be alright in the end. Well, I think believing in God is the easy part. He has been good to me and has truly carried me through many parts of my life, especially through my divorce. He is always there, never disappoints and is the best love-giver ever. So I’ve got that straight.

But here’s the hard part. I cannot imagine myself standing in front of a giant anything and expecting that I could take it down with a slingshot and a rock. I believe that God would give me the strength, but would I be able to use it? Could I pick up the rock and put down all of my fears?

Fear is an extremely strong motivator. You can think you are ready for a situation, but once you are in it, you find you aren’t Goliath – you are actually IN a big pickle with no slingshot to be found.  Fear can sometimes make small situations seem much larger than they actually are, and you are unable to make that distinction.

Letting go of fear can be a lifelong journey. Giving it to God and truly accepting His gifts gives you the strength to tackle any-size issue. You may face a bunch of very large pickles, but you know God is with you and has given you the ammunition you need.

Who are you?

One of the most difficult things of life is figuring out who you are. I don’t mean who you are at breakfast, 2:00 or who you are right now. I mean who you are at your core.

As you go through life, you change who you are. You change for others. You change for society. You change and move away from your core. I believe the further you move away from your core, the more unhappy you will be. How do you identify your core? One of my friends says she knows someone who had certain interests when he was around his parents and certain interests when he was around her, away from them. So which interests were closest to who he really was?

I believe that no matter your interests, if God is at your core, you will be alright. Even if you stray a bit, if He is at the center, you will always come back to your true self, the one He wants you to be. How do you put Him in that important place in your life? How do we pull away from our often self-centered tendencies and surrender our innermost selves to Him?

Ask. Ask Him to come in and fill everything in your being and to hold you firmly to His ideals. I was a latecomer to church. His ideals have come to me sometimes in bits and pieces and sometimes in full swoops (especially in times of distress.) Sometimes I feel like I am so far behind in church teachings, liturgy and overall Catholic doctrine. So far behind that I am running (and gasping) to catch up. Does God laugh at me for this? Does He care that I don’t have the entire Catechism of the Catholic Church memorized?

Hopefully He  knows that I am also striving to keep Him at my core at all times. I fail, I am behind, I am sometimes away from Him, but He is never away from me. I ask and there He is. I have heard Him say, “You are pulling away from me. Come back.” When I can drop the stubbornness and be willing to embrace the potentially difficult task of introspection, He is there. When I feel sorry for myself (and then feel guilty because I know I am blessed) He is there reminding me to hand everything to Him. When I can, completely, then I get a glimpse of who I really am. God’s girl. His servant. His beloved, chosen and always loved down to the core.

The gamechanger

Driving is a great time for prayer. Five minutes, 30…doesn’t matter. As I drove to work the other day, I prayed, “Lord, please make something  today a gamechanger.” The request came without thinking.

Was it a desire for Him to answer prayers or  handle issues that I cannot or am I finally okay (and can even welcome) change? I want change for others. I have always felt that way, especially when I saw someone upset. Now I want it for myself. I finally trust God enough to know He will take care of me no matter what. He can break through the clutter or traffic or the clutter of my mind and remind me: “I’ve got you. It is going to be alright. Trust. I got this.”

Maybe I want to see if I can adapt to each gamechanging situation. In the last year, I have adapted to the hardest one of my life. I have survived. I am stronger and happier than I have been in a long time. The world seems open again, teeming with possibilities. If I could survive the last year, I can survive again. And I will because He reminds me with each gamechanger…He’s got this.

The Hunger

Holding me warm under wing. I will sing for joy. I will sing to you, I will cling to you, your love is better than life. – “I Hunger and Thirst for You” by David Kauffman   and William Gokelman

I love this song. I played it at Mass today. It is in Bb and is truly haunting. It is one of those you can lean into the piano and just pray. It was instrumental so I didn’t worry about the singers. It was me and God. The refain goes like this:

“I hunger and thirst for you, Oh Lord, come fill my soul. I hunger and thirst for you, Oh Lord, come fill my soul.”

I have had several things on my heart lately. Things that I just can’t fix on my own. Sounds stupid since I know God is the only real fixer. But I have stubbornly hung on to these things (despite knowing better) hoping I could come up with the perfect solution.

I finally did. When I played this song and prayed this song, I knew the solution. It is, was and always will be clinging to God, whose love is better than life. Life is full of hunger, thirst, sorrow, anxiety, stubbornness. Breathing in the words to this song reminded me of our Lord’s power and His gentleness. He wants us to hunger for Him so He can help us get beyond the difficulties the life and into the Kingdom.

“You understand so I lift my hands and call upon your name.”

Words on the back of the octavo (sheet music) say it perfectly: “None of our earthly desires, hungers or achievements will ever truly satisfy and comfort us like the presence of God in our lives. Whether in the waters of life, or in the desert of emptiness, our souls long for God and more of God.”